The Last Morning

Monday May 6^th 6:48am

I have just woken up on my last morning in India. I got back to Varanasi from Mumbai two nights ago, right in time for the entire Alliance Program, another study aboard program in Varanasi that my two roommates are a part, to come to our house for a dinner. I was a little nervous, but I fit right in with the group, and ended up joining them for a sunrise boat ride and going to their final Kutuk (Indian folk dance) performance yesterday.

Spending the last two days with the Alliance kids was illuminating. I had met most of them a few times throughout the semester, and they always seemed to be an appropriately dressed group of tourists. In general they are very into yoga, Osha taro cards, palm reading and other spiritually minded, somewhat stereotypically ‘Americans go to India’ things.  Additionally, because they have a few boys there was a lot of the traditional drama that comes with young people living in exclusion together. By that description it does not sound like something I would enjoy very much, yet I loved spending time with them.

More importantly then any of the above negatives was the fact that all 11 members of the program love each other. They love the city of Varanasi because they were able to experience it through friendships I can only equate to those made at summer camp. Together the eleven of them explored the city and the country, shopping, touring, watching sunrises, eating, and more in groups. Everyday of their program house was filled with laughter and a sense of togetherness that simply was not found in the Wisconsin program house, where each person could claim real friendship with only a few other people. In my case, only one.

Rahul Ji, Gadolia Shopkeeper

But due to all of the amazing experiences that the Alliance kids were able to have because of their close relationships, it seems as though they were not forced into the difficulties of India, and the small joys that come with them. Karen, my roommate, told me that she had never taken a rickshaw alone, something that I have been doing since the second week, but was an accomplishment I was proud of my first time. Things like exploring this ancient city with a distinct lack of city planning, getting yourself lost, and then found again, can only happen when you are forced out on your own. When, I was able to show mom and Ruth around with ease I still do not see in Alliance kids, I could not have been prouder of myself and the way I had adapted. The attempt to get what you need done in a city you barely understand is a frustrating, hair pulling, and daunting challenge, but when you succeed without a friend holding your hand the reward is that much sweeter.

Karen, me and Devin after my trip

The question is not whether the Alliance program or the Wisconsin program is better, but would you rather take on the world with your best friend holding your hand, or as an individual, knowing it is sink or swim. I can tell you one thing, if I was going to be in India for even one more month I would choose the friend, knowing the challenges would be enough for even two of us together. But for five months, I think Devin and Karen waiting at home, and Nitish and Sunder Ji around in case of emergencies, was the best way to experience the culture.

Durgakund

I cannot say I enjoyed every moment of my time in India. There were times that I was not sure if I was going to make it, and I did not have the comforts of home to make me feel better. Half the time I could not even call mom because she was asleep, and my lack of Internet was further limiting. I was pushed harder to be comfortable with my own company then I ever have before, and because of that I grew more confident in my ability to navigate the world. I understand how sentimental and corny I sound, but I never would have considered travelling alone though India five months ago, and I just got back from a 15 day individual trip with no one to prop me up.

 After that experience, one of the harder things I have ever done, I am fully confident that I can go wherever I want to go, whenever I want to go there, and be okay. I did not fall in love with travelling. I have no grand plans to take two years and go see the world, but what is stopping is not fear or lack of confidence or knowhow, it is simply that right now it does not sound appealing. If next year that changes and I have a burning desire to go explore Asia in its fullest I could do it, with a friend or alone, and everything would be fine.

Wisconsin Program House

I have learned to trust people to be good, my gut to be correct, and rickshaw drivers to rip you off. I understand the power of ethnic clothes and one or two sentences in the local language to integrate you into a society, as well as the importance of carrying a book and raincoat to isolate you when you need it. When it is not your culture, do not take sides and do not judge it, but find the logic and eat the local sweets. I can go on and on about all of the other growing I did, or things I learned about myself. I can tell you how stupid life choices don’t seem stupid at the time, except when they do, and I can tell you not to eat the meat at the airport. But I won't. You get the picture, and I am by no means a fully changed woman. Other than my lack of concern about hygiene I have the same values, same opinions and same thoughts as I did before I left.

Assi sweet counter

I will share one last realization from India. America is awesome. It has its problems that we should try to fix, but what the country stands for and the way it strives to run is amazing. I have never in my life been more patriotic or a prouder to be an American, and the world loves us as well. Barack Obama is a household name in India, even in houses where no one can read or write, and when you say you are an American local faces glow. The Europeans may roll their eyes, but others are as proud to know an American as I am to be one, and I don’t think there is a better place to be born.

I will be back in American in a little over 24 hours and I am so excited. I will miss Varanasi and many of the people I have met and come to view as friends, but I cannot promise I will be back. I have had experiences here you cannot have anywhere but in the most Indian place in all of India, and I am grateful that I was given that opportunity, but this is not my home and it never will be. Other girls in the program know they will be back within the next five years. I am not so confident, yet because of that, the bitter sweetness of leaving is all the more potent. This may be goodbye forever to a whole city and culture I have grown to appreciate, if not love, but it will always remain an important part of my college experience. There will be no tears as I leave, but sweat, a little dirt, and maybe some cow dung for good measure.

The Wisconsin Program:
Jessie, Sarah, Danielle, me, Alex, and Tania